June 8, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Several members of Mary Lou’s fan club have recently emailed me to check on the status of Her Royal Highness. I guess I should be providing daily reports on the health and welfare of a dog who is older than dirt.
Well …. I’m happy to say that she is cruising, albeit at a very slow speed, along the highway of life. Her days are filled with leisurely walks back and forth to the biscuit jar, sun baths and poop-eating expeditions.
I have been treating M.L. to a spa day every two or three months. She’s wild for manicures, pedicures, fluff and buffs – and also a couple of unmentionable beauty procedures. At the beginning of April, I noticed a rather horrible odor emanating from the old girl, but concluded that it was probably an intestinal issue. After all, if a major component of your diet is poopaloopies, you must expect a certain amount of noxious effluvium. During the next several days, the smell DID NOT dissipate. I started to think that maybe she was rotting, so I decided to deviate from the schedule and treat my sweetie to a bonus spa day, about four weeks early.
About thirty minutes after M.L. had been hoisted into the Spa Van, Tina Spa-lady knocked on the door and quietly announced, “We have a problem. Mary Lou has apparently stopped grooming herself. Her skin is covered with small colonies of smelly amoebas and there are snarls in her undercoat the size of oranges. Our only choice is to shave her.” When I recovered from the shock of hearing that my daughter had such horrendous personal hygiene, I hesitantly agreed.
When M. L. was escorted back into the house hours later, I was horrified. Have you ever seen a Polish sausage covered with yellow fuzz? She looked like something that had been shoved to the back of the frig. and forgotten about. But I must say there was a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eye. She seemed to really like her new style. (She probably could breathe deeply, without gagging, for the first time in months.)
Before I let her cruise the neighborhood to show her friends her new look, I gave her a very stern lecture. “I don’t want to see you nose stuck in some cheesy paperback when you should be bathing. No more cookies unless you promise to bathe every day. AND FOR GOD’S SAKE – STOP EATING POOP.” Upon hearing my last admonition, she batted her eyes, flipped her ears and replied, “Mom, it’s good for my coat. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
December 24, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Shhhhhh! I’m quietly tiptoeing back into the house after secretly snapping this picture of Mary Lou and her new beau leaving for the Christmas formal at the Humane Society.
At least he wears his glasses to drive. His name is Woofus B. Labovitch and he is seventeen. He has been accepted to Stanford and plans to study journalism. TOM AND I REALLY LIKE HIM. He drives a cute little bug, and even opened the car door for Mary Lou. She looked so cute in her plaid sateen formal. (I got her one of those SPANKS undergarments to kinda downplay her large bum.) She seemed really nervous. As you know liquor has been a problem for ML all of her dating life. Hopefully tonight she will be circumspect. I’ll let you know how her special evening works out. Tom is predicting she will return with a rumpled dress which is a sure indicator that some heavy petting took place.
October 19, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Many of my dear readers have inquired about the health and happiness of our precious Mary Lou. We made a trip to a new vet two weeks ago because of her ongoing hip pain and stiffness. Our doggie daughters have a wonderful patient - doctor relationship with the vet we have seen for almost 30 years, but we finally had to make the hard decision to move them to a new doctor. We traded an almost 2 hour round trip for a six minute ride to the bottom of the hill by our house. For this particular trip, Tom decided to accompany me. We both had a feeling that Mary Lou wouldn’t be returning home with us.
Dr. Recupero ushered us into the examining room. I explained that M.L. has some serious hip issues. I told him we just wanted to make sure that we were doing everything possible to alleviate her pain and help her move sufficiently enough to enjoy life. Many times in the past several months I have had to lift her hind quarters to help her stand. I finally invented “The M.L. Slide.” This involves sliding her across the tile on her side until I can position her hind feet on carpet. The carpet helps her gain enough traction to pull herself up. At night we also employ “The M.L. Posterior Goose” maneuver. During this technique, a human hand is placed on her posterior and a small amount of steady pressure is applied. This really helps her to climb the stairs.
The doctor listened to her heart and informed us that it sounds very strong. He then inquired about her age. When I told him that M.L. had celebrated her 16th birthday on August 19th, he was positively incredulous. He said, “Large breeds don’t live to be sixteen years old.” At this point I pulled out her file and showed him the date on her first vet receipt. Then he decided to do blood work. I felt like he was anticipating terrible results. Once again - Kidney and liver function perfectly normal. His eyes became huge dark orbs in his pudgy face. I pointed out several tumors that I had diagnosed as cancerous. The old girl came through again - not cancer, just harmless cysts. He suggested a new drug for her hips and told us to take her off on canine aspirin. Oh, I almost forgot. There was one piece of bad news …. M.L. has gained almost 20 pounds in the last 2 years. I knew she was getting a little broad through the beam - but 20 pounds.
On the car ride home she made several statements that indicated she was experiencing a certain degree of self-loathing. She also mentioned that if the medicine helped, she might consider resuming her active social life. Mary Lou loves western line-dancing and I suspect she could even be talked into a good “roll in the hay.”
At Esther’s urging M.L. decided to explore Internet dating. She filled out a profile sheet on www.CANINECASANOVAS.com. She got many, many responses. See below the gentledog she selected. Not a great looker, but we can hope he has a nice personality.
November 4, 2006 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Look at sweet baby Esther. I snapped this picture today during her afternoon nap. I had a terrible time talking her into “hitting the sack” in the middle of the day. She fought me every step of the way. I was insistent that she nap because tonight we are hosting a surprise, birthday slumber party to celebrate her 5th birthday on November 19th. I really shouldn’t say “WE” are hosting the party. I should say I am hosting the party - the Big Irishman is going to a hotel. There are 11 little puppy-people scheduled to arrive at 6:30 p.m. Mary Lou has taken Esther to Burger King for dinner. This will give me a chance to decorate and get the food ready. Things are much easier now that Mary Lou is driving. I really depend on her to help me haul Esther around to all of her activities.
Esther’s favorite colors are pink and brown, so I invited only brown dogs with pink noses. For decorations I selected brown and pink silk banners adorned with Swarovski crystals. For dinner I’m serving raw liver which is both pink and brown if it is left out of the frig. overnight. Her cake is adorable. It is composed of 5 alternating layers of kibble and desert carrion. All of her gifts from us are wrapped in pink paper. We got her a laptop, among other things. Maybe now she will leave MY computer alone. We are going to play “Pin the tail on the Mongrel” and maybe we will bob for tennis shoes. I rented several movies for late tonight - Lassie Come Home and Rin, Tin, Tin. If they settle down and are fairly quiet by midnight, they may be able to watch Garfield Does Dallas although it is rated “R.” Well, I must go and answer the door. I hear the pitter patter of little paws. Esther’s first guests are arriving.
WISH ME LUCK !!!
May 26, 2006 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
I sure hope my new perm relaxes a little before Meghann’s shower on Saturday. I can’t go looking like a fuzzball.
May 22, 2006 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
As soon as Mom and Dad leave, Brov and I are gonna hit the bars.
March 3, 2006 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
One of my readers has asked for an update on the doggie-children. So here is all the latest in the lives of the greatest pets on earth….
Mary Lou had her braces installed on Wednesday. She is in a little bit of pain, but a shot of bourbon every four hours seems to take the edge off. The biggest problem is that Esther follows her around whispering insults like, “metal mouth,” “metallic mama,” and my favorite, “brace disgrace.” As usual, I haven’t had much luck redirecting Esther’s deplorable behavior. When I scold her, she just looks at me and laughs. I have promised Mary Lou a day at the spa very soon. At least it will give her a break from brat dog’s constant teasing. Little Lou continues to improve in school - all subjects. The after- school tutoring is really starting to pay off. She meets with Charlie, her tutor, Monday - Thursday for 20 minutes each day. That’s about all she can handle with her short attention span. On Friday she has Girl Scouts. She has almost completed her backyard digging badge.
Esther, on the other hand, is still as sharp as a tack. She learns new words every day, and is now speaking in paragraphs. We have had several discussions about inappropriate language. Monday night she told her father to “shut hell up.” Needless to say, the big Irishman came unglued. She is doing very well in school. Her academic knowledge acquisition is very advanced for her age, but her classroom behavior leaves much to be desired. She spends more time in the principal’s office than the principal does. About the only way I can even begin to control her behavior at home is to withhold food. SHE DOES LOVE FOOD. Yesterday I picked up Mary Lou’s bed to vacuum under it, and found gum wrappers, an empty girl scout cookie box, individual cheese wrappers and a petrified pickle. I guess pickles just weren’t pleasing to her palate. The thing that I found most interesting about this discovery was that these items were under MARY LOU’S bed. Gee, do you think she planned to blame the poor little Lou-Dog? Did I mention that Mary Lou sold the most cookies of all the kids in her troop. (Her dad bought, and I might add ate, 962 boxes.)
November 4, 2005 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 3 Comments
Patrick had his MRA today, but I don’t have any results to report yet. I’m assuming that no news is good news. Say a prayer.
NEWS FLASH: The AZW is taking Perpetua on her first airplane ride tomorrow. Meghann has a convention to attend in San Francisco next week – beginning Monday. She decided to fly in Saturday morning and spend the weekend with Katie and Henry. Shaman Top Raman thought it would be really fun if I could join the partay. So I am flying out Saturday morning and returning Monday in the late afternoon. I’m meeting Meghann in Oakland and we will take the Bart to San Bruno where Dr. and Mrs. Johnson live. A quick trip, but I should have time to slam down some clam chowder and sourdough. It will be fun to see both girls at the same time. They will probably fight over who gets to sit on my lap. I’ve told Perpetua to pack lightly, so we don’t have to check bags. The weather is finally beautiful. I sat in the Contemplation Garden this morning and read the paper and sipped my tea. I felt like a movie star. There are lots of fall flowers blooming. Everything seems to be recovering from that scorched summer look. I love Arizona . Mary Lou had another multiplication test today. She’s not home yet because she had Girl Scouts after school. I’ll tell you the test results on Monday. I sure hope this tutoring is helping. Charlie ain’t cheap – two pounds of gourmet ham for each session. Oh well, what’s a mother to do. I can’t let my doggie child go through life being unable to multiply.
Esther was hauled into the Principal today for chasing boys and trying to lick their faces. I argued with the principal. I think chasing and licking are pretty normal doggie behaviors. I lost the argument. Esther has detention every afternoon next week. She has to write 100 times, “I will not chase boys and lick their faces.” On the way home, she asked me if she could do one at a time — either chase or lick. She just doesn’t get it. I probably won’t blogulate this weekend, but I will return on Monday.
What is Libby’s payoff for taking the fall for those other notorious Bushie Boys — Cheney and Rove?
