Amazing Zippered Woman

As I do every year, I began fretting  about a Father’s Day gift for the Big Irishman in early March. What do you get a man who has everything. More important, what do you get a man who has saved everything he’s ever touched. (including a big toe nail that fell off at scout camp when he was seven) I poured over sporting goods catalogs, walked the aisles at “guy” stores, and even considered purchasing some “adult toys” but decided against it because I didn’t want to embarrass the children. Finally, I had an inspiration while browsing the various nooks and crannies of amazon.com. I decided that he might really enjoy one of those Kindle digital book things because he is a voracious reader. I felt that this would be a flashy gift that makes a strong statement of our love for the Tall Guy. I polled the kids and they all agreed to throw some money into the Kindle kitty. Then I made the mistake of mentioning my great idea to one of Tom’s friends, who shall remain nameless. He questioned my gift choice, and I must say he had some good insights. He said that he wasn’t sure Tom could “handle” a Kindle. He reminded me that Tom is still unable to retrieve messages from his cell phone. And another good point - the “state-of-the-art” IPOD (a previous flashy gift that makes a strong statement) remains in its sealed case on my desk. BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

Then it hit me, like a bolt of lightening, in the middle of the night - A NIGHT BLOOMING CEREUS, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT. Tom has always wanted one of these cacti, but they are extremely rare. They just bloom one night each year and their fragrance has been called, “the perfume of the angels.” So I made it my mission to find the elusive NBC,QOTN. I made 34,982 calls and nothing. People either had not a clue what I was talking about or they just laughed and mumbled words that sounded  like, “fat chance.” With each dial I became more and more despondent and more and more determined. I would find one of these biatch cacti or die trying. Finally, as my button-punching finger began showing signs of paralysis, a dude who calls himself the “Cactus King” said those magic words, “Ya, I got one, but it’s gonna cost ya.”
I had a niggling feeling that Tom had once said something about the Cactus King, but I just couldn’t remember specifics. Anyway I rushed out picked up this beautiful lady, and I won’t even discuss what I paid for her. 

 
Isn’t she a beauty. And she’s ready to 
bloom - just imagine my delight.

   
Unfortunately, this is what a Night Blooming Cereus,
Queen of the Night is supposed to look like. I’d been had.
Apparently what I bought is a Flippin’ Fat Cactus, Joker of
the Day.

It’s starting to come back to me - I’m beginning to remember what Tom said about the Cactus King. And just for the record, Flippin’ Fat Cactus, Joker of the Days bloom only in the daylight and several times each summer.Ttheir fragrance would remind one of butt.