January 30, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 2 Comments
It’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to go anywhere without people begging me for financial advice. I guess the shaky economy has caused people to seek “any port in a storm.” I’m sure the assumption is since I sleep with a stockbroker I must have inside information. Before I continue I want to make sure everyone understands that Tom NEVER talks business with me or discusses individual stocks. I am a bit of a financial genius in my own right and have decided to share with my readers some of the investments I will be making in the very near future.
I’ve been researching a trend that I think could have a significant impact on my investment strategy. It appears to me that when two companies merge, their combined stock values rise dramatically. I have searched the online literature and and have developed a list of companies who will soon announce mergers. If you have some extra pennies, you may want to consider taking my advice. Watch for these consolidations in 2009 and then buy, buy, buy.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers are going to join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motor Company, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will combine and the new company will be called: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become: FedUp.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are soon expected to announce their new name: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Woman will operate under the name: Knott NOW.
9. And my personal favorite - Victoria’s Secret and Smith and Wesson will call their new company: Titty/Titty/Bang/Bang.
Now sit back, call your broker and we’ll all get rich together.
January 28, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Today began like so many other days - a bagel with cream cheese, orange juice, and a quick check of my email and blog comments. After popping the last bite in my mouth, I headed upstairs to shower and pay some bills. During my entire shower I kept having this nagging, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I just couldn’t for the life of me put my finger on what was bothering me. I was sitting in my desk chair repeatedly pushing the “Pay Bill Now” button on my computer, when Esther entered the office with her tail noticeably tucked between her legs. She approached my desk and I immediately spotted that look that says, ”Please don’t beat me or tell Dad. I promise never to do it again.”
As I raced down the stairs it suddenly hit me. I LEFT THE BAGELS ON THE COUNTER. DAMN. Little bits of Thomas 100% Whole Wheat Bagel packaging greeted me as I entered the family room, but not even a crumb of bagel could be found. I paused, trying to anticipate what effect all this fiber (5 bagels) would have on a dog who is notorious for her sensitive stomach.
I let Esther outside for a few minutes then insisted that she follow me back to the office so I could keep an eye on her. In about 20 minutes I heard what can only be described as plastic balls hitting tile over and over and over. Esther had apparently slithered out of the office without my knowledge. I soon discovered that she was in the process of finishing the cream cheese. A thorough licking had left the container dishwasher clean.
This time I locked her in her cage …. or so I thought. Violent retching sounds once again brought me downstairs. Six piles of the most repulsive puke you can imagine dotted the carpet - not the tile, but the carpet. My first instinct was to carefully examine each pile to see if there were any hidden apparitions or pictures that I could sell on eBay. Nothing. Two hours and 543,712 gags later all signs of Esther’s indiscretion had been cleared away. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered someone had scrawled “lox” on the grocery list attached to the refrigerator door.
January 27, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 0 Comments
Meghann and I hosted a shower for Katie on Saturday. Friday was spent dashing around, doing all those things that can’t be done until the last minute. We did treat Roscoe to a lunch at McDonald’s. After polishing off an amazing amount of food for such a little guy, he had a great time in the play yard. While Meghann supervised, I chatted with a man who was sitting at the table next to us. During our conversation, I learned that he had five children, ages four to fourteen. He casually mentioned that he was on the way to the store to buy party supplies. His whole family was invited to his house Friday night … to say “Goodbye.” He left for Iraq on Monday - his second tour. I left McDonald’s with a lump in my throat, saying a silent prayer that this young man would return safely to his family.
The shower was on Saturday. Katie got so many wonderful gifts for baby Eloise. I was reminded once again what wonderful and generous friends we have.
Eloise’s nursery will be black, red and white.
Grandpa Tom was in charge of Roscoe during the shower. I suggested that a trip to the zoo might be really fun. He thanked me for the suggestion, but informed me that they had made other plans.
LUNCH AT HOOTERS. I was horrified.
Feeding the birds at sunset.
Look at all those birds!
Roscoe and Auntie Esther settle in for the night - exhausted after a busy weekend.
I spent most of yesterday putting the place back together and being sad. I just hate it when my kids leave, and I can’t even begin to describe how much I miss that little guy.
January 21, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 2 Comments
I mentioned a few days ago that due to Patrick’s departure, I have another guest room to decorate. Eventually this room will be designated “THE KID’S ROOM” and will be filled with toys, children’s books, kid-friendly furniture, chalk boards and etc. Many of the toys and books actually belonged to Meghann, Katie and Patrick. I think I saved every single thing their little fingers ever touched. (Now you know where Patrick gets his compulsion to collect.) All these precious things are in the storage shed, packed lovingly in boxes which are labeled “POSTERITY.” When we moved the Big Irishman asked, “What the hell do you mean by ‘posterity’?” (interesting punctuation - any suggestions?) I calmly answered, “Posterity is a very complicated concept that you will have great difficulty understanding.” I went on to remind him that I almost died and a few Posterity Boxes is a very small price to pay for the pleasure of sleeping next to me every night (I’m not above playing the transplant card in desperate situations.)
Sorry, I got sidetracked… My grandchildren aren’t old enough to spend time in a “Kid’s Room” without supervision, so for now, this space will just be a guest room. I have promised Roscoe that he gets to pick out the bedspreads when the Kid’s Room transformation begins.
Here are a few purchases I’ve made in the last few days.
I got two of these cute little nightstands at Pier One. They were $39.95 - that’s 70% off the original price. Your eyes aren’t deceiving you. That is indeed a bird.
I got two of these cube things to be used as supports for a makeshift desk.
These will be slipped into the cubes and used for storage.
This is a plank top that Tom found in a dumpster. He has been a trash picker most of his life.
These lamps were on the clearance table at Target - probably because they are hideously ugly. But I thought it would be fun to continue with the leaf motif. Maybe I’ll call this space “The Leaf Room.” I want Tom to cut one of the birds off and re-weld it to the table in an upside down position - like a dead bird. Remember every oriental rug has a flaw and this flaw is considered a “signature.” Do you think a dead bird is enough of a flaw?
If you want to borrow my vision for a room in your own home, just tell your decorator that the look you are trying to achieve is “SOUTHWESTERN, SHABBY CHIC, FRENCH WHOREHOUSE with a little bit of an ASIAN FLARE to make it interesting.
January 20, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Several weeks ago I made an appointment to have my teeth cleaned and checked. I was really bummed when I discovered that this appointment fell on the same day as President Obama’s inauguration. While driving to the dentist’s office, I managed to convince myself that Dr. B. would at least have a radio tuned in to the festivities. After all, he is a true liberal and he also worked hard on Obama’s campaign. Wrong! When I asked him why those in his office weren’t watching, or at least listening, to history being made, he explained that he didn’t want to offend those individuals who aren’t Obama fans. It still astounds me that anyone who has witnessed how Bush has screwed this world, is not an Obama fan. Please don’t let it slip by you unnoticed that Bush’s last cowardly act was commuting the sentences of two other notorious cowards - the border control agents, Ramos and Compean. Anyway, enough negative. So … when Mr. Obama took the oath of office, I was participating in a blood letting ritual in the dentist chair. Fortunately, we recorded the whole morning and I have been watching bits and pieces since returning home.
The last time I can remember being so hopeful and having such an “everything is gonna be okay” moment is when I woke up after my transplant and had feeling in my toes and fingers for the first time in several years. Today begins a new life for our country and our world. Today is the beginning of a journey for our new leader. This journey will be difficult and will require all of us to pitch in as Obama steadfastly repairs the damage which has been done over the last eight years and takes our country in a new, more positive direction.
GOD’S SPEED, President Obama.
January 19, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 0 Comments
My little boy (6′ and 200 lbs.) is growing up. Patrick and his girlfriend, Jessica, have rented a beautiful apartment in Gilbert. The clinic where he works is relocating in mid-March, and his new digs are very close by. Jessica is coming from Tucson and will make the big move next weekend. We spent most of Saturday helping him move. With Tom’s bad knee and my shaky back, I’m sorry to say that most of the heavy lifting fell on Patrick’s shoulders. It’s good that he’s young. Using the van, Patrick’s car and Tom’s truck, we got everything moved in two loads. I stopped counting at 623,905 boxes. I swear the kid has saved every spelling test and every scrap of paper he has ever generated … and every movie ticket stub, and I suspect every Kleenex. I even spotted tee shirts I can remember him wearing in third grade. Jessica is bringing most of the furniture, and I must admit, I’m a little concerned. Almost the entire apartment is full - stacked floor to ceiling with HIS BOXES. I’m afraid she’s going to take one look at her new abode and dump his sorry ass. I hope and pray that no one is killed in a box avalanche.
This is the view from their balcony.
The dining room is on the right and the living room is on the left.
The dining room is behind the fireplace.
Another view.
The kitchen is really big.
Our house is very quiet and Esther is terribly sad that her brother is gone, but every cloud has a silver lining. Patrick took all of his bedroom furniture, so I now have a new room to decorate.
Dear Patrick and Jessica, BE HAPPY.
January 16, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 3 Comments
Before I share this story with you, I must make a few things perfectly clear. (1) My son is one of the most generous human beings I have ever met. (2) My son always puts alot of thought and caring into the gifts he gives to others. (3) Since he was a small boy, Patrick has delighted his friends and family from time-to-time by bestowing upon them gifts - both small and large.
Last night he returned from a shopping trip with a large package. He casually handed it to me and said, “Mom, this is a late birthday gift.” I knew he had been shopping at BIG LOTS for odds-and-ends for his new apartment. The gift was indeed in a BIG LOTS bag. I assured him that it certainly was not necessary to buy me a birthday gift. He replied to my assurances by saying,”Don’t worry. I got a great deal.
My new birthday poster.
Can you guess why he got such a GREAT DEAL?
Look very carefully.
January 15, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Christmas was three weeks ago and I’m still walking around encased in the warm glow that only a fabulous holiday can create. Not only did we have all our kids home, but we also welcomed representatives from all the branches of our every-growing extended family. Carol and Mike, Scott’s parents, traveled from Ojai, California, bringing with them their new doggie daughter, Miss Molly. Esther was thrilled to once again have a playmate. Henry’s family, Chris, Beverly, Sabrina and Chelsea, drove all the way from San Louis Obispo, California to be part of our magical Christmas. We had 14 people staying here, and it continues to amaze me how well we all get along.
Several special guests joined us for Christmas dinner; honorary grandparents - June and Rex, close friends - Murphy and Ag, and favorite neighbors - Chris, Becky, Kim and Kelly. As I looked down that long table filled with family and friends, I quietly said to myself, “Thank you Perpetua.”
And now for some highlights of the gift opening.
Roscoe’s new favorite book. Every child should have one.
Every new mama needs a COACH diaper bag. Henry is a good husband.
Kids make Christmas memories seem magical.
Hiding from Mom.
Helping Movy.
I’m a happy guy.
A new approach to “TIME OUT.”
Sabrina is a great Big Sister. (The dark socks belong to Henry. He forgot to pack white ones. Does the word “nerd” come to mind?)
Doggie children also add to the magic.
I guess now you all have a better idea of just why I feel so blessed.
January 13, 2009 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 5 Comments
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday dear AZW.
Happy Birthday to me.
Yes, it’s true. Today is my birthday and I’m 59 years old. But please keep in mind that I’m a very young 59. I want to spend a few moments telling you about my gift to myself on this auspicious occasion. My present to me was indeed very special. Much thought went into this gift, but not alot of money. The box I placed my gift in was huge, but feather light. It was tied with a gigantic red bow. When I opened it (with great fanfare), tons of words, both big and small, flew out and hung in the air waiting for me to arrange them. You see, my gift to myself was millions and millions of words. I’ve missed my chats with you, and have genuinely felt that an important aspect of my life was sort of on hold. So I will use my birthday gift to resume our dialog. I hope I can direct these words to entertain you and maybe even make you think about something in a different way. I’m sure what I say will sometimes make you mad and other times make you sad, but be assured my words aren’t meant to hurt or anger. They are simply a gift to myself.
