Sharin’

January 25, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment

The Big Irishman is on the way home to pick me up and I haven’t finished packing, so this will be quick. We’re going to Sedona for a weekend of fun and frivolity with our good friends Donna and Larry. Before we go I just wanted to share a quick sad story. Baby Roscoe had 5 shots at his 2 month check-up this morning. Meghann said he was very brave. I suspect that the whole ordeal was much harder for Scott and Meghann than it was for Roscoe. Grandmov would have consented to having her arm cut off, if the little guy could have skipped those shots. Oh well, I guess shots are just a part of growing up. Now for my latest pics:


Chillin’


Snoozin’


Snuggin’


Restin’



A Real Basket Case

January 23, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment

When Esther, the amazing dog-child, came to live at our house we immediately made an important decision that would dramatically change our future. WE DECIDED TO CRATE TRAIN HER. This means that when she isn’t being directly supervised by a human, she is in her crate. (while we are sleeping or away from the house) You may think this is a very cruel way to treat a beloved family pet, but let me assure you that she actually likes it. That is her special place and she spends time resting in her crate even when we are awake and at home. We leave the door open and she just climbs in and chills, or reads books or does arts and crafts - all in her elaborately appointed crate. I think I have spent about $80,000.00 on fluffy color-coordinated comforters for her elegant abode.

Now that my D.R.’s understand about Esther’s crates (one upstairs and one downstairs) I will see if I can adequately describe the mess this decision has created in my life. Tom is a pack-rat and his motto has always been, “I will die without ever having placed anything in a trash receptacle of any kind.” Believe me he takes his motto very seriously and lives every day constantly reminding himself of its stringent guidelines. When Esther’s crates were moved into our house, his eyes lit up. I thought he simply loved his adorable new puppy. But what really brought a smile to his face, was the two new large, table-like surfaces that the tops of the cages provided. He immediately began stacking and piling. He did ask for a basket in an attempt to make his assortment of trash more attractive …. and then another basket and another and another. 

Shortly after Christmas I noticed the the dog-crate basket situation had become overwhelming. I suddenly realized that he had started stacking baskets on top of baskets, and the whole mess was tilting at a very precarious angle. Finally, a neighborhood crisis brought his “house of cards” tumbling down. A small child who lives across the street wandered into our house through the open garage door. Evidently said child inadvertently bumped the leaning crate-tower of baskets, they cascaded downward - burying the poor child under tons of worthless debris. He was found several hours later and appeared to be unhurt - just frightened.

After the accidental deluge, Tom, at my suggestion, decided to do a major clean-up. He sat at our dining table for three straight days without even breaking for meals. I think he probably found enough half-eaten candy bars to keep himself alive. I’ll just share the high points of his treasure hunt.

(1.) An object believed to be the umbilical cord of a mammal that walked the earth thousands of years ago.  (2.)  An old golf glove that had been placed in the pile while wet. It was stiff and in the shape of a gnarled hand.   (3.)  Change which totaled $!,256.09.  (4.)  A Burger King receipt from 1997.
(5.)  A “HONEY DO” list that I made for him shortly after our wedding.  (6.) 178 keys in various shapes and sizes  (7.) Several indistinguishable items that were very odorous.  I’ll stop there. We have weeded out about 236 baskets and are down to just eleven. I’m a happy woman.    



Heads Up World - The Tree Stays

January 12, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 2 Comments

It’s been a hectic week. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in unopened mail, stinky laundry and Christmas decorations that are just begging to be put away. It’s always so much fun to decorate the house before the holidays, and such a complete bummer to put everything away after the fun and frivolty are over. Stuffed Santas that are so adorable the first week in December, just look like fat old derelicts the first week in January. Glittering angels transform into aged brothel decor. My friends talk about the wonderful rush they get when the last box is in the attic and the last pine needle is buried in the dog hair inside the vacuum bag. For some reason I’m just not motivated to “UNDO” Christmas this year. I wish I could provide you, D.R., with some dramatic explanation for dragging my feet, but I think I’m just lazy.

When Phylissia Prunegate, one of my neighbors, dropped by last weekend, her reaction to finding our tree still in the window was only mildly critical, “What a pretty tree. When do you usually take your Christmas trees down?” On Tuesday, Socrates Bogartes, stepped it up a little. “I can’t believe you guys still haven’t taken your tree down.” By Friday, rude reactions were the norm. “Gosh Shanlee, are you going to leave your tree up until next year? People are starting to think you’re kinda goofy.”

Well, HEADS UP WORLD - THE TREE STAYS! There is a chance that escalating criticism finally put me over the top, or perhaps I’m just a woman ahead of her time; a woman with a unique vision. I think I may have come up with an idea that could change the world. “THE STATEMENT TREE” is born. Give me a hallelujah.

Here’s my idea folks.

(1) In January, my birthday month, I’ll decorate the tree with small slips of paper, each containing a gift idea for the AZW. Instead of a star at the top, I’ll have a count-down of days until my birthday.

(2) For Ground Hog’s Day, I’ll decorate with small, mesh bags of dirt (ground) and small plastic pigs in a variety of colors (hogs.) Clever - huh?

(3) For Valentine’s Day, I’ll hang edible chicken hearts, fried to golden brown perfection.

(4) For National Apricot Month - you got it - apricot pits hung with satin ribbons.

(5) To celebrate a decline in world population - a condom tree.

(6) To recognize a friend’s successful journey through menopause - a tampon tree.

(7) For Easter, I will continue to color eggs, but I’ll hang them on my STATEMENT TREE. I think I’ll turn this into a game. I will hang one raw egg, and whoever find it will win a prize.

I think you all get the idea. I would really appreciate some additional ideas for my invention. Just use the comment section. SHARE, SHARE, SHARE. 



A Sight Improvement

January 10, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 0 Comments

Several months ago I added what I thought would be a really fun addition to my blog - “Laughs, Lessons and Language.” Unfortunately, this new feature never really took off. There could be several possible reasons for this strange phenomenon. (1) I selected jokes that were decidedly unfunny, if not downright stupid. (2) I described life lessons that compelled people to attempt suicide, or at the very least attack their neighbors dog with a rake. (3) The words I chose to post were not edgy and provocative as I had hoped, but instead so ridiculous that only a mass murderer awaiting execution would choose to use said words. (4) This is probably the best guess - I just didn’t display this feature often enough to get my readers hooked.

In an effort to spice things up a bit I have added another “L” to the mix. Therefore, henceforth, (I sound like a damn Shakespeare wannabe) I will proudly  present to you DR (Dear Readers) “LAUGHS, LESSONS, LANGUAGE and LITTLE DUDE.” Little Dude is of course, The Amazing Roscoe. In this new section I will share recent photos, exploits, and Herculean achievements of Roscoe William Roberts. “Little Dude” is what Scott calls his son. So here we go with the first new and improved

L,L,L and L

Laugh: Why don’t oysters give to charity?  They’re shellfish.

Lessons:  You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.  Henry Ford.

Language:  nepenthe   (1) a potion used by the ancients to dull pain and sorrow  (2) Something     capable of making one forget grief or suffering.  ”George Bush needs to start every cabinet meeting by passing out coffee laced with a good, strong nepenthe.”

Little Dude:


Little Dude’s first pedicure. He looks thrilled.


One of his first “real” smiles.


Just a wee taste of thumb.


All worn out.
   



A Poem For January

January 5, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment

In the days after Christmas, as I cleaned the house,
I noticed a smooshy, round bulge in my blouse.

The chocolate I’d eaten, the cocktails galore,
Had all made my body a sight to abhor.

When I climbed on the scale, I nearly passed out.
The number so large, “You’re FAT” it did shout.

I paused to remember, all the goodies consumed.
These were the reason my ass had ballooned.

The wine and the eggnog, the chips and the dip.
It would appear, had gone right to my hips.

As I dressed in my sweat pants and old army tent,
I shouted and screamed in order to vent.

I cried and I yelled, for the whole world to hear,
“I can’t wear a tent for the rest of the year.”

Every food that is fattening and good to the taste,
Must go in the trash. OH, WHAT A WASTE.

No bread for me and potatoes are banned.
Only veggies and yogurt - I’m not such a fan.

My tummy and arms will jiggle no more.
I’ll starve myself silly.  Oh what a bore.

When March brings a hint of glorious Spring,
The world around Shanlee will actually sing.

With musical words like skinny and thin,
And no hint at all of that old double chin.

I’m committed today. My diet must start.
I’ll take better care of this beautiful heart.



The AZW Has Spoken

January 1, 2008 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 0 Comments

First things first - Tom and I want to wish everyone a very Healthy and Happy New Year. The last year has been a wonderful year for our family and we look forward to an even better 2008. Our hearts are full of love and gratitude for all those who enrich our lives everyday in so many ways.

Now … I realize the world is waiting for the AZW’s read on the political conundrum that has overtaken our country. As we anxiously wait for the results of the Iowa caucuses, I have a few insights I would like to share with my Dear Readers. (Please notice that I didn’t say “valuable” insights. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to remain ever-humble.)

1.  I think Hillary is old news. It seems to me that her handlers have made her a set of 20 note-cards containing verbose, pat answers to what they hope will be the only questions fired in her direction. Unfortunately, she uses the same answers for ALL questions, regardless of the content of said questions. Because of her inability to “shoot from the hip” she comes across as trite and even stupid. I liked her much better before she became a candidate. Shame on Bill for letting the situation get so out of control. The AZW’s advice to Hillary: use YOUR words and for God’s sake dump the monotone.

2.  I think Obama is the MAN. He gives clear, concise answers that make sense. I worry that he might be too inexperienced, but that might be a good thing.

3.  As for the Republicans (please notice that I assigned a capital letter to the R word - at great personal sacrifice) the field is pathetic. Who will take home the prize? Will it be the great warrior, John McCain or will Huckabee Bible thump his way to a quick victory? Giggles Giuliani is a complete joke. I’m putting my money on Romney. He appears to be the only Republican with a modicum of honesty and integrity.

There you have it.
Right or wrong - the AZW HAS SPOKEN.