October 27, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Hi all – Meghann here. I am delighted and honored to the be first Zippette invited to contribute to the AZW’s new site. In the spirit of open communication, the AZW wants to periodically open her space to another author, and having posted before in her stead, I jumped at the chance to share my thoughts on something important to me.
As all of you know, in the next month or so I will be taking my first real crack at motherhood. I say it that way because I am already a mommy to a beautiful and complicated kitty, Ellie, and her devious parrot brother, Nardo. As demanding as they are (she gets fed 3 times each day and perches on my desk all day while I work, and Nardo has a very delicate psyche) I have a feeling the little guy joining us in a few weeks is going to up the bar quite a bit. As I think about what it will be like when he is here, I find that I don’t worry too much about the intrusion of stinky diapers and midnight crying spells into the peaceful routine that Scott and I enjoy. Perhaps it is some kind of pre-birth delusion that functions to make anyone willing to take on parenthood, but I can only sit and smile thinking about how much fun we will have, and what richness he’ll bring to my days – pooping and whimpering and all.
There must be many explanations for my staying calm about the momentous task in front of me, considering that historically the stress associated with buying Christmas presents has made me completely hysterical, and a slow driver in front of me will cause rage-induced hives every time. I think the biggest reason that I seem to think I have this handled is that I have had very, very good examples. I have been blessed with generations of wonderful women to learn from, from my loving Grandmas to the girlfriends I grew up with, and everyone in between. I’d like to touch on a couple of them here.
You don’t have to look much further than this blog for proof of who my very most shining example of mommy magnificence is. The AZW did a wonderful job with us, and when I consider how close Katie, Patrick and I are, as well as how important our parents are in our lives, I know without even thinking back that our home was filled with love. I didn’t know until confronted with doing this myself how very many little details there are to consider and decisions there are to make every single day as a mom. I only remember growing up in a fun home full of exciting things to do and an environment with lots of room for sharing and being creative. I always felt safe, and while naughty behavior was met with quick and appropriate recourse, I never doubted the love she had for me, or that I was supposed to learn to love the same way. Now I see that it was no small task to create such an incredible home, and I hope I am as up to it as she was.
Katie too has been a perfect example of how to do things right. Now, this is no announcement - Katie doesn’t have any human babies of her own just yet. But make no mistake – she has taken countless others as her own, starting with Patrick and I, and continuing today with her young students. Considering she is the younger sister, she sure filled the big sis shoes better than I did. I had no problem giving orders when we were young, but Katie knew that taking care of someone involved more than keeping them in line. She was loving, nurturing, accepting and fiercely defensive of her little brother and big sister, not to mention Valerie, Maren, Andy, Ryan, and the rest of our gang. If someone bullied Patrick, it was Katie who tried to beat them up, but if Patrick was guilty of any foul play, she made sure he did what it took to make it right. She was always the mommy when we were playing house, and it was surely practice for the role that Katie has stepped easily into as a teacher, and will without a doubt excel at when her own little ones join us down the road.
There is someone else too, who has helped bring my plans for motherhood into focus. Several months ago Scott and I relocated to California, and while I am delighted to have my family so much closer while I venture down this very new path, the area we live in was brand new to me, and I found right away that I was pretty lonely. Not to mention scared that when my little guy got here I would not know what to do, and the closest help was still 30 minutes away, at Grandma Brennan’s or Aunt Mary’s in Long Beach. I should not have been so worried. Right after we moved in, a wonderful young family moved in right below us. Susan and Greg, and their beautiful son Grayson have become family to Scott and me, and have done so much to ramp up our excitement about our baby’s arrival. Susan is an incredible mom, and a remarkable friend. I have already learned so much by watching the simple, limitless way that she loves and cares for her son, and when she is not tending to and playing with him, she is making sure that my laundry is done and my lunch got eaten and I have groceries for dinner. I don’t know how I would have made it through this pregnancy without her, and I know she will play an important role in the first months and many years of Roscoe’s life. I have been very lucky to get to know Grayson as well. He is 20 months old, and from what I have seen, that is a very fun age. He is such a good little boy, and is smart, and happy, and loves to laugh and play and run outside. But he always has time to stop and blow someone a kiss, or smell a flower, or give me a hug when I need one. He is learning sign language, and is already so good at telling Susan what he needs. Between her amazing intuition and his developing language, they have a way of working things out that I can’t even begin to understand. Grayson has made me very excited to have my own little dude around, and has convinced me with his loving smile and tender happiness that with my team behind me, my baby boy and I will be just fine, and that the rewards of motherhood will be as immeasurable as the love I already feel for him.
Here is a picture of my new friends and me. Here’s is a hint - I am the one whose baby is clearly still inside her.
October 24, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 0 Comments
SCHIP is a vital program that provides immunizations and checkups for over 10 million children whose families cannot afford health insurance. Even with this necessary program in place, there are still many millions of children whose needs aren’t being met. How could any president veto a bill that would have expanded SCHIP, especially when said president is spending billions fighting a war we can’t win. In recent weeks, children’s health care opponents, including Bushie, have used misleading information to scare others into falsely believing that advocates for children’s health care are working to shift upper middle-class children from private insurance to SCHIP. This is simply not true. This bad information is nothing but a phony argument that is being used as a scare tactic. I believe that our government, and especially our president, has an obligation to honestly inform. The use of inaccurate and misleading information does not contribute to an open and honest debate . Many SCHIP opponents continue to accept government-supported health care for themselves, have voted to give themselves pay raises, and even delivered billions and billions of dollars in corporate welfare to the Big Oil Industry - all at the same time they are actively working to deny health care to our nation’s poorest children.
It’s not surprising that republicans have such a sour-grapes attitude toward Gore’s Nobel Prize. The contrast between Gore’s accomplishments and the dismal record of Georgie-Porgie, must be truly agonizing for them.
Bushie has the idea that legislation he signed into law does not apply to him because of his status as “commander in chief.” He apparently feels that this status also allows him to overlook that part of his oath of office that states, “preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States …” Why don’t we get rid of this egomaniac by starting the impeachment process?
Laughs, Lessons and Language
Here are some new words you can use to spice up your conversation.
susurrus: a whispering or rustling sound.
tenebrous: dark; gloomy.
Sentence: One tenebrous Halloween night, the susurrus
made me so scared that I wet my pants.
Have you ever wondered …
… why is it necessary to nail down a coffin?
… why don’t we ever see the headline, Psychic Wins
Lottery?
… why glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the jar?
October 23, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Yesterday started out like almost every Sunday. The Big Irishman slept late and I got up early to watch the political news shows and read the paper. The B.I. always makes a big, greasy breakfast on the Sabbath. My mouth usually starts watering in anticipation of this repast on Saturday afternoon. After the dishes were done (guess who did them) we settled in for our weekly B.T.S. (browse, tear and stack) During this time-honored tradition, we methodically peruse the adds, tear out the ones that are of interest, and stack the torn scraps on the table between Tom’s recliner and the couch where I usually sit. Occasionally we mutter comments like, “Wow, that’s a great price.” or “I’ve been looking all over for one of these.” Usually no one even glances at the “stack” until I throw it away on Thursday. After browsing, tearing and stacking for almost an hour, Tom asked if I wanted to go to HOME DEPOT with him. Never turning down a chance to shop, I eagerly agreed. BIG MISTAKE. At this point I should have gone back to bed and remained there until Monday morning.
Our first selection at the Depot was a long piece of PVC pipe - at least 563 feet long. The B.I. stuck it through the cart’s handle and several hundred feet extended beyond both ends of the cart. As we continued to shop, he kept making piss ant remarks like, ”Be careful,” and ”Watch where you’re going.” Finally he said, “I’m going to the screw aisle. You stay parked right here, where you won’t hurt anybody.” I did as I was told, but I must admit I was fuming. And also trying to figure out why I had married someone so unfun. After all, lightly tapping people with PVC pipe is a harmless sport.
Suddenly I saw him exit the screw aisle, make a sharp right, and speed away from me as fast as he could go. Something in me just snapped when it became apparent that he intended to do ALL his shopping while I remained parked by the mops. I bolted out of my secure spot and headed directly for his unsuspecting butt. After shouting, “Here comes a Christmas Goose,” I jabbed the PVC pipe right into the back seam of his shorts. To my great joy, the pipe continued it’s journey between his legs. I hadn’t counted on this extra treat. I only meant to bump his bum. It was at this exact moment that everything went terribly wrong.
I passed out immediately after making eye contact with the man impaled on my PVC pipe. He was very tall and big like Tom. He had on khaki shorts just like Tom. He had on a green tee-shirt just like Tom. He was even bow-legged just like Tom. But he wasn’t Tom. I HAD JUST MOLESTED A MAN WHO IS NOT MY HUSBAND. I guess I was unconscious for almost an hour.
Laughs, Lessons and Language
A new word: Flummery 1. A name given to various sweet dishes made with milk, eggs, flour, etc. 2. Unsubstantial talk or writing; mumbo jumbo; nonsense.
Used in a sentence: Please enjoy a wee bit of flummery as you read my flummery.
Advise from an old farmer: Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
October 19, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Many of my dear readers have inquired about the health and happiness of our precious Mary Lou. We made a trip to a new vet two weeks ago because of her ongoing hip pain and stiffness. Our doggie daughters have a wonderful patient - doctor relationship with the vet we have seen for almost 30 years, but we finally had to make the hard decision to move them to a new doctor. We traded an almost 2 hour round trip for a six minute ride to the bottom of the hill by our house. For this particular trip, Tom decided to accompany me. We both had a feeling that Mary Lou wouldn’t be returning home with us.
Dr. Recupero ushered us into the examining room. I explained that M.L. has some serious hip issues. I told him we just wanted to make sure that we were doing everything possible to alleviate her pain and help her move sufficiently enough to enjoy life. Many times in the past several months I have had to lift her hind quarters to help her stand. I finally invented “The M.L. Slide.” This involves sliding her across the tile on her side until I can position her hind feet on carpet. The carpet helps her gain enough traction to pull herself up. At night we also employ “The M.L. Posterior Goose” maneuver. During this technique, a human hand is placed on her posterior and a small amount of steady pressure is applied. This really helps her to climb the stairs.
The doctor listened to her heart and informed us that it sounds very strong. He then inquired about her age. When I told him that M.L. had celebrated her 16th birthday on August 19th, he was positively incredulous. He said, “Large breeds don’t live to be sixteen years old.” At this point I pulled out her file and showed him the date on her first vet receipt. Then he decided to do blood work. I felt like he was anticipating terrible results. Once again - Kidney and liver function perfectly normal. His eyes became huge dark orbs in his pudgy face. I pointed out several tumors that I had diagnosed as cancerous. The old girl came through again - not cancer, just harmless cysts. He suggested a new drug for her hips and told us to take her off on canine aspirin. Oh, I almost forgot. There was one piece of bad news …. M.L. has gained almost 20 pounds in the last 2 years. I knew she was getting a little broad through the beam - but 20 pounds.
On the car ride home she made several statements that indicated she was experiencing a certain degree of self-loathing. She also mentioned that if the medicine helped, she might consider resuming her active social life. Mary Lou loves western line-dancing and I suspect she could even be talked into a good “roll in the hay.”
At Esther’s urging M.L. decided to explore Internet dating. She filled out a profile sheet on www.CANINECASANOVAS.com. She got many, many responses. See below the gentledog she selected. Not a great looker, but we can hope he has a nice personality.
October 17, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 2 Comments
Last week some very good friends, Dr. Bala and Anita, stayed with us for a few days. They were visiting Arizona for their son’s wedding. I can’t even describe how much fun we had. On Sunday, the Big Irishman arranged a golf game for the boys. Anita suggested that she and I should schedule massages. Because seeing my zippered body has a tendency to render massagers unable to massage, I opted for a facial. I had just noticed that very morning that I was looking a bit haggard. I felt like a facial was just “what the doctor ordered.”
Only a very confident woman would post this picture. Remember, this was done, with stage make-up and mirrors.
We headed for the club at the appointed time and I was greeted by David who would be my facialer. (Or is it facialor?) We discussed my options. Did I want a Flowing Hot Lava Facial, or a Steaming Donkey Dung Facial. Perhaps Madame desires the Poking Prune Pit Fantasy or the Happy Helium Healing Hot Hand Extravaganza. After much discussion we agreed on the Pure Pumpkin Acid Regenerating Foaming Torture Facial with a foot massage thrown in. The pumpkin component is a salute to Autumn.
We ran into our first problem when I was instructed to go into the locker room, take off my clothes, and don a robe that an anorexic teenager couldn’t wrap around herself. I did as I was instructed, but I failed to understand why a facial required this extreme level of exposure. I kinda decided that David must be a mugger. I also decided not to fight him in order to avoid being seriously injured. I think I read in a magazine that not fighting is a good idea.
The first portion of my experience was termed “thorough cleansing.” Translated: the application of battery acid to my entire, face, neck and upper boobal area. The acid was then worked into my pores using tiny pieces of ground glass, which were rotated at the speed of light. As soon as the spurting blood was clotted, a paste of ground rhino rib was applied to prepare my skinless face for the pumpkin potion. While the rhino rib was working its magic, my feet were separated from my ankles, hooked up to electrodes, and repeatedly zapped until I wet my pants. David, the torture master, eventually turned off the current. I must say that my feet didn’t hurt after the procedure BECAUSE THE NERVE ENDINGS WERE SEVERED AND I FELT NOTHING AT ALL.
At last, the main event. The pumpkin paste was applied about 6 inches thick. I immediately felt a burning, searing pain that David said was simply “pore refinement.” After about 20 minutes, I decided that I really had no interest in being even more beautiful. I bolted from the room, with my ill-fitting robe flapping in the breeze. (to the accompaniment of shrieks and screams) On the way home I splurged and had my first Starbucks coffee.
Facial + Starbucks = Diva
Below is the finished product.
The following is a public service announcement ….
This kitten was found in the alley behind Grump’s Grog and Grinders. If you are the owner,
please contact the AZW. If you have any desire to add this cherubic pet to your family,
just let me know.
October 6, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 0 Comments
Recently I was reflecting on the days and months of the ”waiting game” leading up to my heart transplant. When I was feeling good, I would make mental lists of all the wonderful things a new heart would allow me to experience. On the bad days, I was convinced I wouldn’t live long enough to receive a new heart. I would cry about every thing I would be missing when I died - Patrick graduating from college, watching Scott and Henry as they launch successful careers, sharing with Katie our mutual love of teaching “special” kids, witnessing Meghann’s climb to the top of her profession, traveling to exotic places with Tom and, at the top of the list, GRANDCHILDREN.
Meghann and Scott are adding a new dimension to the happy ending of my heart story. They are providing us with our first grand baby. Roscoe Roberts will be making his initial appearance in early December. I want to share some of his first photos with you.
Thanks to the miracle of 4D ultrasound technology, we can get a look at the little guy right now while he’s still living the good life in his mama’s tummy - and what a big tummy it is.
Meghann has always been, shall we say, a bit high-maintenance. Katie and I used to laugh behind her back and say things like, “When Meghann has a baby, she’ll probably be in intensive care for the whole nine months. WOW, WERE WE EVER WRONG. You have never seen such a casual pregnant lady. She has totally taken the whole experience in stride. She’s happy and healthy and seems to truly be enjoying this magical time. Scott would be wise to consider having many, many children. I also have to mention that she is absolutely gorgeous.
Thank you Perpetua for allowing me to participate in yet another “waiting game” - one of life’s happiest.
October 5, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 2 Comments
I may as well jump in with both feet and christen the new blog with my first mean-spirited, vitriolic, diatribe about Gorgeous George. (Hardly mean-spirited or vitriolic - I speak only the truth.) On Wednesday our cowardly, gutless leader vetoed a bill that would have expanded a key insurance program for children. Let me repeat. CHILDREN. The legislation would have offered health-care coverage to an additional 4 million children of the working poor. The primary reason he cited for this veto is cost. Let’s talk about what his administration spends hourly on the war in Iraq.
Gee, should we spend our money (and don’t forget for a minute that it is OUR money) preventing and treating illnesses in children. Or conversely, is OUR money better spent maiming and killing American soldiers and Iraqi citizens. For me the answer to this question is a no-brainer.
Bushie’s veto ties the hands of individual states who desire to expand health coverage for families. Many democrats AND republicans have denounced this decision as unconscionable. The big question is, “Can the democrats muster the two-thirds support necessary for an override. The republicans have a golden opportunity to convince a doubting public that they truly are capable of bipartisanship and moral decision-making.
Laughs, Lessons and Language
1. Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
2. Always take your pets with you when car shopping. SIZE DOES MATTER.
October 3, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 1 Comment
Last night Tom and I returned from a trip to Santa Fe. We spent four days visiting Dr. Dan and Elaine. Elaine was Tom’s partner before she retired. They have a gorgeous home and are incredibly gracious hosts. We ate and ate and ate. We laughed and laughed and laughed. When we weren’t eating or laughing, we were shopping. Here is a photo of a large metal cow that the Big Irishman was absolutely certain he couldn’t live without.
On Saturday we drove to Taos to go to a gallery where our friend Cami is showing some of her beautiful paintings. After finding several pieces that we must have, we went to Cami and John’s house for a fabulous lunch prepared by John.
We had a wonderful time - great food, great conversation and beautiful surroundings.
On Sunday afternoon we shopped at The Flea Market. What an experience! Local artists and importers display and sell their wares. Needless to say, we bought several items with a decidedly Southwestern flair. Today I spent most of the day arranging and rearranging all my new pretties.
During our Flea Market adventure we met a most unusual lady. Have you ever met someone who seems magical as well as mystical? Well, Sister Max, an ordained Buddhist Nun, is probably the most spiritual individual I have ever met. She was selling exquisite Indian imports. She spoke very slowly and quietly and her words truly traveled to my soul. She seemed to have an aura around her and her words and touch were the purest and gentlest I have ever experienced. I don’t know why, but meeting her profoundly impacted me. Perhaps someday, I will discover the message she was meant to deliver to me. She gave us an extremely serene picture of the Dali Lama. Today I framed it and placed it on our bathroom counter. Maybe if HE is the first and last image we see every day, we will learn to be more serene and accepting of the pathways we must walk.
October 2, 2007 - Posted by amazingzipperedwoman- 3 Comments
I’m sure that most of my readers have given up on the possibility of ever hearing from me again. I totally understand if you’ve all found other blogs to read. (audible sob, audible sob) But for those of you who are still hanging on to your last shred of confidence in me, I have the following announcement: Amazing Zippered Woman is now a registered domain, and my sparkling new Web Site is finally up and running. This really has been a dream of mine for a very long time. Thanks to Web Master Jason and Web Mistress Meghann, I have a site that is beyond all my expectations. Thanks and Hugs to both of you for all the hard work. You’ve made an old woman very happy.
The blog can be accessed from my Home Page at www.amazingzipperedwoman.com This page will be adding features over time. Be sure and check the photo show periodically. I want to make you aware of a couple new features on my blog. Some days there will be a small section called “Laughs, Lessons and Language.” Check out this new addition. You will also notice that the title has changed. “Zippettes” has been added. The “Zippettes” (“Zips” for short) are guest bloggers who will periodically post. If you have any desire to be a Zippette, please let me know through the Guestbook or Comments sections. Thanks for hangin’ in there with me.
Laughs, Lessons and Language
Lesson: Always Be Generous.
